Slim Randles

Slim Randles

So, jest you rear back and tell ol’ Alphonse here what you think of this, okay? Alphonse Wilson, here, the one they call Windy, a-course, bringin’ you whatever’s the latest stuff you need ta know jest to make your life a bunch gooder.

This here guy did a write-up in a barber shop magazine t’other day ‘bout how we got goldanged lizards runnin’ the United States of Congress! If I’m lyin’ may my suspenders get caught in a grain drill and deposit my butt in the silo!

This guy says we been run by lizard folks for a long time now, only jest he and some other guys was smart enough to notice. Yessir. Said he even saw it on the teevee on the X Files, and you know they don’t fool around.

I jest wanted to straighten out what might be goin’ bent on us here, so I read the whole en-tire story. He said they wasn’t jest like our backyard lizards but a whole heap smarter, ‘cuz they invented stuff and got rich and got elected to the halls of monterzoomer. But they’re bigger. Yep. Size of us. So how you ‘spose them lizards come to take over the gov’ment?

Mighta been them push-ups. Ya see, I told ya I been studyin’ it. We all know that them lizards … he called ‘em reptiloids, sorta rhymes with hemorrhoids, don’t it? Maybe thass cuz he thinks they’re a pain in the butt. Anyhoo, lizards do push-ups on the wall in the summer, and they eat bugs. Sounds ‘bout right fer Congressionals, don’t it?

So, here’s the problem: how can we tell if they’s a lizard-guy before we vote for ‘em? Maybe when they all stand on the stage and the moderate guy asks ‘em questions, should oughta throw in a lizard question or two. You know, like “Senator, do you hibernate in winter?” or maybe “Congress Lady, whattya you think of the taste-a mealy worms compared with ladybugs?”

There’s gotta be a way, or I’ll be a blue-bellied skink. And you can tell ‘em I said so.

Slim Randles is author of over a dozen books, both fiction and non-fiction. This column is brought to you by Windy’s Words of Wisdom, a vital part of Home Country.

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